Insomnia?...

It's 6.03 am I'm sitting on my L shaped sofa in my skeleton onesie smoking a rollie. My partner asleep beside me under our spare duvet that i have my legs tucked under. Its cold. The wind howls outside our sea facing high up apartment. Episodes of scorpion that I've already seen are playing on Netflix through the ps4. Everything is dark other than the TV and the light from my tablet.
My legs ache from the hefty walk around town i had earlier with my friend Sam.
I need to be up and functioning at 7.30...well that's when all the alarms are set for.
Mikey (the other half) and i have an appointment at my daughters school at 9.30am. A stupid appointment about her attendance which has already been explained to her class teacher and office staff already.
Monday is our day for adulting....the bill paying, grocery shopping, appointment making, paperwork etc.
I don't like Mondays (as the song goes), and i don't have much love for adulting either. So this appointment at school is the royal pain in the ass proverbial cherry on the shit cake.
Sprinkled with the rainbow sugary ness of not being able to get to sleep.

My skin has broken out in an acne flair up, and my partner has just lost his job and my period has arrived a couple of weeks early and HEAVY .
I am not in the best of moods but being a believer and practitioner of P.M.A, gratitude, positive manifestation i am battling with every ounce of my being to stay focused and positive and productive.
I feel myself starting to waiver in consciousness, little over an hour before i need to be up. But...focusing my mind on...get this shit outta the way, tae bo and dance routines with Sam, and plenty of time to nap, play Tomb Raider, record YouTube videos and the possibility of my dreadlocks arriving in the post.
Hold on to even the smallest of joys.
I think it may be time for organic energy juice, Another smoke and then ...when the sun decides to light up our bedroom enough so i can find the clothes i need ( almost every bulb in the house has blown and i refuse to replace them until repairs and checks have been done since bulbs last no more than a week in my home), do quick foundation , eyebrows and black eye-shadow and simple thick black eyeliner. No frills for a busy day and a sleepy head.

I miss writing. In always praised for my writing and harassed that i never do anything with it....but i am at a loss as to...what...to..do...with...i mean how does one become a writer? Answers on a post card...or a comment.
Until i know i think i will keep trying to do regular updates and things on here...musings, ramblings, philosophies, life lessons ,perspectives ,opinions, stories and dairy ...bits.

I may also try to grow the audience for this page. Not for narcissistic, monetary or social media gainz but for the simple fact that more minds and comments fires my old grey matter up, idea bouncing and learning as well as potential relationship building, and who knows maybe even helpful advice and or connections...for me and maybe for them. I know shit, i know people lol.

...back to the brain flow...
My ankles are sore. That dull aching pain. My legs and ass are throbbing pulsating pain with shooting intermittent lightning strikes of fucking awch!!!
My back hurts. My sides hurt but my discomfort in my own body is enough to drive me through the pain to get back to my comfort weight and increase my health.

Its too late to sleep now, i MUST sustain myself until this pointless beaurocratic , fucked system interference in my parenting of MY child is over for the day.
I feel like its a reprimanding on the scale of "you aren't playing our game by our rules so we are going to show you why you are harming your child's education", when my child is only ever absent when she is poorly, and was an advanced and bright child until the minute she was snatched into the system of state education and seamed to revert and unlearned everything she already knew , while her teachers tell me how well she is progressing at learning things she has already mastered years before at home.

.......
I joined pump up app...its so busy, its hard to keep up with. I like it when my phone dings a lot though there's something quite satisfying and motivational when my phone is busy with messages, texts, alerts and updates. Is that shallow?
6.52am now....

Nyx give me strength to get through this day. Another day I'm blessed to breath, experience, love and learn. One that many will not be afforded the privilege of.

My head jumps from on thing to another when i have no specific topic to concentrate on...no focused project....a constant whirlwind.

I'm so cold. And the warmth of Mikey's body beside me is so inviting, but no! Its too late to sleep and ensure that i will get up in time.

Upon rolling another smoke the plans of cutting down and eventually quitting rolled through my head.

The pains flair again in my legs and feet. I feel drained. But pushing forward , using this...whatever...typing what runs through my head bullshit this is to keep my brain active and awake enough to function.

I would like a 3D printer, to create stuff...stuff in my head to paint n decorate . To both keep and sell.

Chugging down more of the energy drink i miss how clear my mind is without the stimulants, how much more energy and brain power i had when cleanly living. But this is a means to an end to stay awake a function in a life that feels like a constant uphill battle, but i keep focusing on the break, reaching the top of the hill, keep pushing to the day when things are less grueling, demanding and against me. And it will come.

15 mins counting down till the crescendo of electronic simultaneous alarms jar the senses into "get up, get dressed, go do, go here, be there"  until the next allotted slot of life snatched for shit i can't be fucked with and could be using more productively and or happily.

Ten....
Mikey stirs behind me. He's so warm, i look at him and am filled with love, with how much i care for him, how wonderful he makes me feel, and how attractive he is to me. And a smile involuntarily spreads across my face.
To snuggle with him, his comforting touch, the feel of his tummy expanding and relaxing against my body, his breath on my skin, the safety of his arms would be bliss right now...but...5 minutes till on my feet time, i can't risk it and have to fight the urge.
Time for another smoke distraction.

Annnd there it is!!! The high pitched electronic beeps and the theme music from Attack on Titan  ....
Mikey hasn't even registered them...no movement. I'll finish this smoke and then its on me to get Mikey and myself ready. Its a bitter sweet blessing that my daughter is at her Daddy's for the next few days or i would have the added stress of getting all three of us ready.
.....and.... On we go.....