re-ajustment

been in a foul mood for a couple of days, felt it coming on with little bouts of aggression and then yesterday.... holly shit!

tiny little things i wouldn't let bother me normally were the biggest deal in the world, i ranted and raved and shouted and moaned most of the day.

i was so bad that after visiting my Grandad in the hospital i got home and after an aggression filled rant to my other half about everything that was getting on my god damn nerves that day, i disappeared to the bedroom and went to sleep.

being so angry is tiering, i was so filled with negativity and nastiness that i just had to go switch off before i punched something or started taking it out on my patent, calm, loving partner who had done nothing to upset me.

even after a few hours sleep i got up, found that we had run out of milk, was hungry but it was too late to order pizza, and i was too sleepy to cook, felt so pent up at myself for not knowing what i wanted to do to pass the time that i started on a rant again and felt it bubbling and gave up and rage quit my day by going back to bed.

i re-surfaced around 2am ish, and although i still felt the cauldron of nasty bubbling away inside me, i decided to fix it.

i apologized to my partner for the horrible bitchy rants i had had earlier and the unrelenting vileness i had un-veiled in my tirades of aggression. (not towards him but in his company)
and although he was very understanding and even thought i was justified in some of my anger, i said no "being in a bad mood does no one any favors".

it made me feel horrible, especially when I've been trying for so long to have as much positivity and light in my life as possible...which isn't always easy, but i try.

now on reflection i think i might have needed to get it out, but i think if i had been in a better frame of mind and hadn't had so much going on in my life just now i could have coped with things better.
With my; "it says more about you than it does about me", "you nastiness is YOUR failing not mine", "breath in and let it go" ideologies. but i didn't...

who paid for it? it wasn't the people who weren't there that i striped of every right to breath, it didn't make them any less annoying, or any less of an asshole, it didn't get me milk or suddenly turn the clock back to a time where i could order food, or make me something to eat, or miraculously build a 24 hour pizza shop...nope it just made me feel heavy, helpless, frustrated, and ...well pretty shitty.

so I'm taking this time, with the little simmering cauldron still spluttering away on it's own heat , now the gas has been turned off, to re-adjust my mood and look at some little things that make me happier and smile.

I'm a great advocate of gratitude and always focusing on what you do have and not what you lack. if you aren't grateful for those things in life that make living better then you'll never deserve any more. and when you don't have much i think you should be even more grateful for the things you do, or maybe not more grateful, equally as grateful because those who have an abundance should always be grateful in the knowledge that they are lucky few and could easily be someone who is going hungry or sleeping in a doorway. whatever you have there is always someone out there with a worse dealt hand.

I'm not just talking about belongings, but all the little bits of magic that mean so much; the laughter of your children, the smile of your partner, the wild flowers in the park that make you think "how beautiful", the way your dog looks so free and happy off their leash at the beach, the smell of your favorite food, bumping into an old friend, complements on your appearance, the way you feel when pursuing a hobby, the electric feeling in the air during a thunder storm, getting excited when reading a book that you've become lost in, a smile from a stranger, an unexpected gift, waking up next to the one you can't imagine your life without, sand between your toes, snuggles on the sofa, the phone call from someone you were just thinking about.

i often sound like i should have been a hippy when i get into these things because i get very nature orientated, when i get caught up in the intricacy of a flower, the unknown depth of the ocean, the patterns on stones, the breath taking view from my living room window over the town and the prom and the beach, and the way the sun rises through my kitchen window, the way the moon bathes my living room and lights up the sea outside...and i get all of this in my life, even the regaling of such simple things has already put the cauldron in the cooler.

we should always try to remember the good things and move past the bad.
always be grateful.

take care Boils and Ghouls
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